Kaya Gravitter

Being a convert is a hard burden to carry. You have the weight of the dunya (this life), previous life, and your current life all on your shoulders, and you are constantly being pulled into a different direction with the devil’s assistance. I write this as I listen to a cover By Butch Walker Featuring The Dove and The Wolf of the song, The Rose By Bette Midler. I saw Butch walker perform in concert and it was probably one of the best. It reminds me of my past life. It makes me reflect on who I was before I made Islam my priority. Was I happier then or now?   

I used to be in a band, I used to sing, play my acoustic guitar, and perform for people. I was good at it. Maybe I could have been a famous musician. But it doesn’t matter anymore, I left it for the life I am living now. A life dedicated in serving and living my life for the one and only God. The god of Abraham, Noah, Moses, David, and Noah.

This is probably the deepest and most personal article I have wrote.

I have tasted the dunya and yes, sometimes I miss it. My family loved me more. I loved myself more and had more friends. (Though I have made a lot of better friends.) No one hated me for my religion.  

I miss having a glass of wine with my grandma or friends, just for the social aspect. But then I remember I hated having a hangover and how bad it would mess me up if I mixed it with my medicine. I would feel like I was about to die. There is a reason God doesn’t want you to drink and that is because it totally takes over you. Also, Muslim parties are even more fun than a white person’s party and there is not even alcohol to make you enjoy it or have fun.

As a convert, I do feel people in the Muslim community put us on pedestals. I don’t want to be on one. I am not perfect and I still am not. Though so many people tell me I am so special because God chose me to be Muslim but all Muslims are special. God guides and chooses whomever he wants. We should all feel special because we are in God’s eyes, and it doesn’t matter how you got to Islam, you are still a Muslim.  

I ask myself sometimes, could I ever be Christian again? I couldn’t because my views have changed to much. I simply don’t believe what I used to practice anymore. Though when I wa Christian, Christians and Muslims were nice to me. Now that I am Muslim, Muslims and Christian are not nice to me. I ask myself, could I renounce Islam? I never could because it took me a long way to get to this point. I can never turn back from where I am now because it took me so long to get here.

I ask God sometimes, why did you have to show me the truth? Now my family thinks I am going to hell, I have very few friends now, and my life is often lonely. Do I miss the freedom of being able to do whatever I want? Of course but then I remember that now I finally know what can get me into heaven or hell because as a Christian, I knew believing Jesus died for my sins was just not enough. I could not believe that because God judges who gets into heaven or hell by measuring your good and bad deeds.

These moments of extreme sadness bring me closer to God because at the end of the day, when everyone is gone and you have no one. Who else do you have besides God? Who is the person you can talk to whenever you want? Who is always there? The answer to everything is God. That is why I dedicate myself to God and God alone.

The image in this article is from newmatilda.com